Men taking on more as caregivers for elderly parents

The NY Times does an excellent story on a study by the Alzheimer’s Association and the National Alliance for Caregivers showing that men make up about 40% of the family caregivers. This percentage is up from 1996. I know that men can make GREAT caregivers because my ex-husband and best friend has been caring for his 97 year old mother for over a year and prior to that he helped his mom care for his father who had Alzheimer’s. However, I believe that he is an exception to the rule. I have seen so many brothers, husbands, and other male family members pass such duties off to the females in the family.

The sad part of the article is that male, like female, female caregivers can get very ill from caregiving. They must take on both the emotional, the physical, and the financial burdens as do the female caregivers. I wonder if men may get even more ill because in their upbringing they are not socialized to be caregivers. Of course empathy and caring are not female characteristics, but in general we reward females for exhibiting such behaviors and make sure males know that it is not acceptable. Luckily both of my sons are like their dad, compassionate, caring, empathetic, and proud of those traits.

Reliving last year and missing my aunt

You can read all you want about caregiver stress. You can intellectually understand that you have had an episode of depression, gained weight, have increased fatigue, and your body was so depleted you had to have rotator cuff surgery. So what else could impact you from being a primary 24 hour caregiver? With the holidays coming, every night as I try to fall asleep, I think about where I was and what was happening with my aunt. This was close to the week where she had a breakdown and she and I decided it was time for 24 hour care other than us. She had 1 month or so of taking care of herself except for some medical care needed. Then our euphoria led us to let her go to long. She was rushed to emergency on my trip up to WA. She had delusions about what was happening in the hospital. She seemed defeated. It took all of my energy and love for her to bring up the 24 hour care. Her daughter did not agree. Thankfully, the doctor would not let her go without knowing she had trained care. I made sure that my cousin setup for one of those buttons and for 24 hour care. I left for Thanksgiving so the family could salvage whatever there was left of family time. Next week, would be the week I went up and did not leave until it was time to get pictures for the service. I feel haunted by those last months right now. I miss her. I can only imagine what it would be like to be a caregiver for longer than 8 months. I would recommend that anyone who has been a caregiver for any length of time for someone who died to get psychological help. I recommend that anyone who has been a caregiver get support because just the act of caregiving can compromise one’s health. Anyone else out there have similar experiences with thinking back to what you were doing this time while caregiving?

Value of having caregivers

I have spent my life always being the one to step in and be the caregiver when one was needed. For the last 6 weeks, I had to be the cared for. I need help because I had rotator cuff surgery and was unable to care for myself and my 4 dogs. First, my elderly parents came to help. They took me to the hospital for my outpatient surgery and then forgot me for 2 hours. They misunderstood the nurse’s call that I was ready. Worrying that they may have gotten into an accident made the pain medications and surgery fuzziness go away. My parents were kind, caring, and really helped as much as they could. But, I never slept during the day even the first few days after the surgery because I had to worry that the dogs did not trip them, that they could walk far enough and get into their motorhome. They stayed a week and I appreciated that they cared enough to help and I felt like it made them feel better in that we do not always get along. Then my son flew in. He had just recovered from a collapsed lung. He does not cook or do yard work. I have almost .23 of an acre. So I would sneak out and clean the dog poop one armed. He was great about making sure I did my exercises and kept the ice on. He took great care of the dogs and I loved talking politics with him. He stayed 3 weeks. Then, one of my former students came and stayed for 5 days until the doctor said I could start PT and get out of the sling. I had people around for 5 days. I felt helpless but lucky to have people I could trust and cared. I still can’t do much for myself but I am thankful that I had people to care for me so that the chances of my arm recuperating completely are great. What bothers me is that many people don’t have people to rely on for 5 weeks, even 1 week. My thoughts go to not people like me who just had a surgery and did not have a chronic or life threatening condition, but to all of those people who don’t have good assistance in their time of need. It makes me think that with all of the baby boomers aging that insurance companies should setup policies or cover more caregiving options. If I had not had help, it would be almost a given that I would retear and need surgery again and my insurance probably would not cover it. What are your ideas for getting assistance through insurance for caregivers?

Caregiver needing care

Well it has been a while. I went up and got the two kids Cody (10) and Elizabeth (6) so that their mom could continue tests to determine her complete diagnosis. These kids have been through so much in the last year. Their Grandpa died from a complication from surgery in March 2007. Then within 21/2 months their Grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time. She died in December after their mother, their aunt, and the rest of the family including them, spent as much time as possible taking care of her. Their father hurt his back around March and then was diagnosed with spinal chord tumor which was operated on in early May. He was to be off work for at least a year because he lost much of the feeling on his right side. Within 5 or 6 weeks, their mom felt a lump in her breast and then she was diagnosed with breast cancer but not yet given the battery of tests to determine the severity. By the time I picked up the kids in early July, she had decided no matter what she would have a double mastectomy due to the family history of her mother’s death and our cousin on the same side of the family. I wanted to bring the kids down to CA for a few weeks until my cousin and her husband could deal with the changing roles and life issues without the kids. I wanted the kids to have time away from words like “cancer” “surgery” and the yelling that was going on because of the stress of the year. My goal for our time together was to get them to express their feelings about their mom, dad, their relationship, and their grandma’s death. But as the diagnosis got worse and worse, I realized I needed to prepare them to help take care of their house in a way to minimize germs for their mom as she went through chemo and possibly a few surgeries. It may me think about the challenge of being the caregiver (my cousin to her children and husband recuperating from major surgery) and now facing a disease that has killed your mother and your cousin knowing that you will move from full time caregiver to caregiving when you feel well and being cared for by those you feel a responsibility to care for. It was definitely hard enough to care for Cody and Elizabeth without me working, feeling ill, or stressed by other life factors. What must my cousin feel. She helped care for my aunt and knows both the pain of caring for someone who had always cared for you and watching that person lose her dignity. When we think of caregiving, we typically think of an elderly person or someone with a chronic illness or disability or a illness leading to death but what about the caregiver that will have to accept the care of his/her children or spouse that she/he had always cared for. The pain of not being there for them because you are too tired. The sadness associated with not being able to seem upbeat and spunky during the happy times of your young children. I can only imagine what she is going through. She has Stage 4 breast and Stage 4 bone and a possible spot on her kidney. What type of help does a caregiver like my cousin need? Those of you out there that have witnessed this phenomenon how was it handled. I know my cousin is still working and trying to do as much as possible for her children. She is upbeat and has a positive attitude but her situation is so very different that caring for a middle aged person with adult children. My cousin is a great mom and right now she is only concerned about how this is effecting those she has been caring for, not how she is doing. She is much like her mom. When I was taking care of my aunt she tried to keep most of the family away because she had always been the rock so she wasn’t sure that everyone could handle the chores needed. She found out that all of us rose to the occasion. But how do children that have seen so much death in the last year, rise to the occasion and not have it effect their school work and relationships with others?

Knowledge of hospice

My neighbor’s father died last week. He never came home from his last trip to the hopital. He went to a home and then was taken back to the hospital to be put on morphine for his last few days. Mike had kept him at home for as long as he could. His father told him to keep him at home until his death. But it was too hard not to call the ambulance one last time. He told me that 5 years before they called and it saved his life for 5 more years, so I am guessing that he was “hoping” He was in his mid-eighties. As he spoke to me teary eyed II wondered, but did not ask, because his father had just died that day, “why didn’t they use hospice?” They could have provided that last week of care and his father and Mike would have had their wish come true. He regretted that his father, like his mother, years ago had to be in the hospital and not at home. After seeing the wonderful people who came to enroll my aunt into hospice, I would have nothing different for myself or those I love if possible. Mike is a hard working, blue collar, lower middle class guy who may not have understood about hospice or never really got all the nformation about how to go about getting into hospice. Everyone should check into all of their options when approaching death. From all the services I learned about for my aunt and the kindness of the people I met, I would rather have then guiding my caregiver than makiing my family endure the trip to the hospital if at all possible.