Caregiving nightmare

I was just up visiting my cousin who has Stage 4 bone and breast cancer. She was diagnosed a month after her husband had major spinal chord surgery. His prognosis was a year at least on disability. They have 2 kids ages 7 and 11. The situation has gone from bad to worse. She has had a double masectomy, a full histerectomy, and over 30 radiation treatments since late December. She has to work 20 hours a week to keep her job. Her husband has gained lots of weight and has no desire to get off of disability and go to work. Both of his parents have passed away in the last 6 months. He is supposed to be caring for the kids and helping his wife. But he is feeling sorry for himself and so the son gets him and his sister off to school. While I was there, the boy broke his collar bone and so he could not get up with his sister for a few days. So because the dad does not get up to help, my cousin had to get the daughter off to school. Yet, that week she was told that the bone cancer may have metastasized and she is in a lot of pain. Hence, you have someone who could die, trying to work, care for her kids, and manuever around a husband who does need help (more psychological than physical). The kids try and navigate their lives around the mines that have been put in their way of having a “normal” childhood. They have lost both sets of grandparents in the last 2 years and may lose their mother before her time. The kids are the caregivers of each other, sometimes of their parents fights, and they need a lot of tender loving care. The father in his own way has tried to care for the children, his dying mother, and in a selfish way his wife. My cousin needs the support of her immediate family in a way they do not understand because of her spirit that pushes her to work and not seem as though she has “cancer.” She is tired. She knows that her husband does not understand the needs of the family but appreciates that he thinks he is “getting it right.” But, the kids are suffering because of the inability for the adult world to think beyond their needs and see that all of this is getting to the them. How many children are out there that are getting care but no one understands what they need?

Baby boomers our actions will affect our loved ones

My 80 year old father had a heart attack last Saturday. He had angioplasty and then acted as though nothing happened. It was like he had some illness and it got cured. He is overweight, fairly immobile from lack of exercise, overeating, and he does not seem to get it. It is not so much that he does not get that he could have died. What bothers me is that what he does from now on will determine my fate as a caregiver as he and my mother age. They have not exercised for years and years. They are both close to or over 200lbs. They both have bad backs and attitudes. They are in denial about their age and so they have not had those discussions with my brother and I that are necessary to carry out their wishes. We have no idea who has the medical power of attorney. We have no idea what their dying wishes are about a funeral or cremation. I know they want to be as independent as possible. I know they do not want to be a burden as they age. But, unless things change, they will leave us in a position where we will have to guess and maybe argue over what we think they would want.

Those of us in our 50’s and 60’s owe it to the ones we love to try and take care of ourselves so that they do not have to be caregivers for us because we have not taken care of ourselves. We owe it to them to make a will or trust and make sure that those executing such documents know our wishes so they do not have to guess. My parents will need care because they have not taken care of themselves. They will be of sound mind but not be able to move around, clean, or take care of one another because they are both in bad physical health. I will take care of them when they need it. I will not resent it but I will make sure that my sons or other loved ones do not have to take care of me because I did not consider that my actions now and in the future will have a major effect on those I love in the years to come.