For Baby Boomers caregiving can be a never ending joy or challenge

If you are in your mid 50’s, if your parents are still living they might be anywhere from 70-80+. This means that your parents are coming upon the time when you either need to start preparing yourself and your parents for the time when they will need help and then eventually hard decisions are to be made or you are already in that position. Not only are all of your relatives getting older, but many are becoming ill or not as mobile and you are finding yourself helping out whenever you can. Then if you have children, they could be from their 20’s to their 40’s. They may have lost a job, they may become ill, or you may be helping with their children. As you look around, you wonder “why me?” of “I am so glad I am able to help” or “How can I keep this up mentally, financially?” or “Things happen for a reason.” You look down the road and you see more and more caregiving opportunities. It makes you feel good that you can help. But, you must always remember that you must stay healthy or those around you will have to begin the cycle. Take care of yourself and try and help those around you make good health choices so that the caregiving cycle starts later than sooner.

Aging relatives and parent care

I am sure many of you have spent time this holiday season with relatives and parents who are aging. You see your loved ones a bit more forgetful, less mobile, and more fragile. Yet, there is still that person inside who you looked up to, respected for their individual characteristics, stamina, character, and the way they lived life. I experienced this phenomena this last week. I visited with some elderly relatives during a winter storm. I was truly concerned for their safety if they drove under such conditions. So, I volunteered to drive them around. I knew the freeway would be a safer place because those roads are better maintained, yet, when my uncle adamantly directed me onto the hilly and icy city streets, I did it. I could not bare to override him. After all, all of my life I looked up to him; respected his decision making. But by the time we got to our destination, everyone was frazzled because it was dangerous. Then I was conflicted because on one hand, their driveway was so snowy they could not get out unless they paid someone to shovel the driveway. Yet, I did not think it wise that their driveway allow them out under such conditions. There is such a fine line between helping our aging parents, relatives, and friends and stripping them of their dignity. I now believe that sometimes we must err on the side of safety and take control. I did not. I had the great idea of backing the car in and out so that IF they needed to get out, they could. Well, I got the car stuck in the snow. Jim and I had to shovel the whole driveway to get the car back in. Jim told me that I had made a big mistake because now my uncle would think it was OK to go out. Gently, I reminded them that they should not go out under such conditions. Well, the day after we left, my uncle slid on the ice in a store parking lot and hit another car. That would not have happened if I had used my good sense instead of deciding with my heart. The same thing happened today when my parents and I went to Christmas dinner at a restaurant. My mother needs to be using a walker or scooter, but her pride makes her only take a cane. I did not insist on the walker going and because we went to a different restaurant than planned, she almost did not make it to the table. If she had fallen, it would take at least 2 people to pick her up due to her weight and lymphedema in her legs. Again, not wanting to make my parents feel less mobile and functional than they already do, I did not use my head, I used my heart. If they were children, I would just take over. It is a difficult line to walk. I need to learn to cross over into both sides when it is most appropriate to maintain a good quality of life for all of my elderly relatives, friends, and my parents. I hope that us baby boomers learn some lessons from caring for our parents. We need to acknowledge that body parts wear out, our mind and reactions will never get faster so we need to accept help and utilize all of the gadgets, makeovers to homes, and services without resisting so that people do not need to make a choice between our dignity or our quality of life. As caregivers, we must always do what is right for our parents, relatives, and friends, not what makes us feel safer or better.

Value of having caregivers

I have spent my life always being the one to step in and be the caregiver when one was needed. For the last 6 weeks, I had to be the cared for. I need help because I had rotator cuff surgery and was unable to care for myself and my 4 dogs. First, my elderly parents came to help. They took me to the hospital for my outpatient surgery and then forgot me for 2 hours. They misunderstood the nurse’s call that I was ready. Worrying that they may have gotten into an accident made the pain medications and surgery fuzziness go away. My parents were kind, caring, and really helped as much as they could. But, I never slept during the day even the first few days after the surgery because I had to worry that the dogs did not trip them, that they could walk far enough and get into their motorhome. They stayed a week and I appreciated that they cared enough to help and I felt like it made them feel better in that we do not always get along. Then my son flew in. He had just recovered from a collapsed lung. He does not cook or do yard work. I have almost .23 of an acre. So I would sneak out and clean the dog poop one armed. He was great about making sure I did my exercises and kept the ice on. He took great care of the dogs and I loved talking politics with him. He stayed 3 weeks. Then, one of my former students came and stayed for 5 days until the doctor said I could start PT and get out of the sling. I had people around for 5 days. I felt helpless but lucky to have people I could trust and cared. I still can’t do much for myself but I am thankful that I had people to care for me so that the chances of my arm recuperating completely are great. What bothers me is that many people don’t have people to rely on for 5 weeks, even 1 week. My thoughts go to not people like me who just had a surgery and did not have a chronic or life threatening condition, but to all of those people who don’t have good assistance in their time of need. It makes me think that with all of the baby boomers aging that insurance companies should setup policies or cover more caregiving options. If I had not had help, it would be almost a given that I would retear and need surgery again and my insurance probably would not cover it. What are your ideas for getting assistance through insurance for caregivers?

Employee caregiving help benefits

In April, there was an article in Inside Indiana Business that cited a 2006 Metlife Mature Market Institute study showing that US businesses lose between $17.1 to 33.6 billion dollars in productivity due to employees caregiving responsibilities. The purpose of the article was to highlight the proposal of an Indiana based company, My Health Care Manager LLC., that employees and employers become educated on the need for some form of a voluntary caregiving assistance benefit. This would help both the employees as well as employers. Obviously, the employee would pay for the majority but the companies would do the leg work to find and research reputable companies to assist employee caregivers in juggling their work and caregiving responsibilities. With all of the baby boomers turning 60, there is going to be a need for national attention on the services family caregivers provide for our society and to identify what support caregivers need so that taxpayers don’t pick up the tab. There has not been much attention paid to caregivers in this long primary season. For those of us that identify ourselves as “caregivers,” we must start interacting to get a sense of what types of support (government, insurance companies, etc) are needed so that when our caregiving duties are over, we don’t need a caregiver.

Baby boomers our actions will affect our loved ones

My 80 year old father had a heart attack last Saturday. He had angioplasty and then acted as though nothing happened. It was like he had some illness and it got cured. He is overweight, fairly immobile from lack of exercise, overeating, and he does not seem to get it. It is not so much that he does not get that he could have died. What bothers me is that what he does from now on will determine my fate as a caregiver as he and my mother age. They have not exercised for years and years. They are both close to or over 200lbs. They both have bad backs and attitudes. They are in denial about their age and so they have not had those discussions with my brother and I that are necessary to carry out their wishes. We have no idea who has the medical power of attorney. We have no idea what their dying wishes are about a funeral or cremation. I know they want to be as independent as possible. I know they do not want to be a burden as they age. But, unless things change, they will leave us in a position where we will have to guess and maybe argue over what we think they would want.

Those of us in our 50’s and 60’s owe it to the ones we love to try and take care of ourselves so that they do not have to be caregivers for us because we have not taken care of ourselves. We owe it to them to make a will or trust and make sure that those executing such documents know our wishes so they do not have to guess. My parents will need care because they have not taken care of themselves. They will be of sound mind but not be able to move around, clean, or take care of one another because they are both in bad physical health. I will take care of them when they need it. I will not resent it but I will make sure that my sons or other loved ones do not have to take care of me because I did not consider that my actions now and in the future will have a major effect on those I love in the years to come.