EEOC Issues Employer Best Practices to Minimize Discrimination against Caregivers

According to the Kansas City info Zine, the document provides recommendations for employer policies in an attempt to remove barriers to equal employment opportunity for workers with caregiving responsibilities. Some of the key situations covered in the Best Practices Document include personal or sick leave policies that allow employees to use leave to care for ill family members and equal-opportunity policies that address unlawful discrimination against caregivers. The entire document can be found on the EEOC website. This is a small step in starting to get administrators within the government to realize the enormity of the contributions to society and sacrifices that family caregivers make in our country, as well as, most countries in the world.

Swapping roles with your parents

I recently had a discussion with a baby boomer (mid 50’s), like me, who was taking care of her mother who was visiting from a different state. Her mother lives in an assisted living community where she has her own place but people help her with mobile, medical, and personal hygiene issues. After a week of caring for her mother and working , she took some strong medication because she needed a break. She left her mom and went over to a neighbor’s house to take a nap. Her mother was angry and she wanted to leave and fly back home. The friend did not understand why her mother did not understand the burden that was being placed on her. This friend has never had kids. I explained that we are now taking over the parenting role and we must remember how we felt when we were treated as something to just care for as kids. It is difficult to swap roles with our parents in a way that maintains their dignity, yet, keeps them safe and as independent as possible. I would think if you have never been a parent then it would be more difficult. Also, like many of us, she may not have had the best of relationships with her parents at times. But they are our parents, they cared for us the best they could (in most instances). We must do the same for them.

Men taking on more as caregivers for elderly parents

The NY Times does an excellent story on a study by the Alzheimer’s Association and the National Alliance for Caregivers showing that men make up about 40% of the family caregivers. This percentage is up from 1996. I know that men can make GREAT caregivers because my ex-husband and best friend has been caring for his 97 year old mother for over a year and prior to that he helped his mom care for his father who had Alzheimer’s. However, I believe that he is an exception to the rule. I have seen so many brothers, husbands, and other male family members pass such duties off to the females in the family.

The sad part of the article is that male, like female, female caregivers can get very ill from caregiving. They must take on both the emotional, the physical, and the financial burdens as do the female caregivers. I wonder if men may get even more ill because in their upbringing they are not socialized to be caregivers. Of course empathy and caring are not female characteristics, but in general we reward females for exhibiting such behaviors and make sure males know that it is not acceptable. Luckily both of my sons are like their dad, compassionate, caring, empathetic, and proud of those traits.

Baby boomers our actions will affect our loved ones

My 80 year old father had a heart attack last Saturday. He had angioplasty and then acted as though nothing happened. It was like he had some illness and it got cured. He is overweight, fairly immobile from lack of exercise, overeating, and he does not seem to get it. It is not so much that he does not get that he could have died. What bothers me is that what he does from now on will determine my fate as a caregiver as he and my mother age. They have not exercised for years and years. They are both close to or over 200lbs. They both have bad backs and attitudes. They are in denial about their age and so they have not had those discussions with my brother and I that are necessary to carry out their wishes. We have no idea who has the medical power of attorney. We have no idea what their dying wishes are about a funeral or cremation. I know they want to be as independent as possible. I know they do not want to be a burden as they age. But, unless things change, they will leave us in a position where we will have to guess and maybe argue over what we think they would want.

Those of us in our 50’s and 60’s owe it to the ones we love to try and take care of ourselves so that they do not have to be caregivers for us because we have not taken care of ourselves. We owe it to them to make a will or trust and make sure that those executing such documents know our wishes so they do not have to guess. My parents will need care because they have not taken care of themselves. They will be of sound mind but not be able to move around, clean, or take care of one another because they are both in bad physical health. I will take care of them when they need it. I will not resent it but I will make sure that my sons or other loved ones do not have to take care of me because I did not consider that my actions now and in the future will have a major effect on those I love in the years to come.